It Only Feels Like a Game of 20 Questions
My teenage daughter is pretty typical, I guess.
- We have conversations where the only one using more than 1 word in a sentence is me.
- She is glued to her laptop, Ipod and Mp3 player
- She considers her parents to be well meaning, but horribly out of touch with the important things of the world.
So far so good - except that she isn't a typical teen.
She was officially diagnosed with Aspergers in 2nd grade and has been receiving services, therapies, etc ever since.
She has mastered a whole host of skills, but as her mother it is my job to worry, so I do.
- Can she go to college?
- Will she be successful if she does go?
- Can she get a job? What about a job that pays well enough for her to live on her own?\Will she ever get married?
What a minute - why do I care if she gets married or not. When did I turn into June Cleaver?
I am a supporter of women's rights, including the right to live life the way it makes the most sense for that individual woman.
My daughter is an awesome, strong, vibrant young woman who is very proud of herself and her accomplishments.
Why don't I automatically give her the respect she deserves and assume that while we don't know the future we will figure it out as we go along?
The word autism shouldn't take away someone's dignity or the amount of respect they deserve as a human being, and yet for many it does.
I have spent the past 15 years showing my daughter how much I love her by taking care of her. Then suddenly I realized that in a few years she will be an adult. It is time to show her how much I love her by making sure she can take care of herself.
This isn't an easy shift for me. I want to jump in every time I hear there is a problem. It is probably the same impulse that makes my father offer to pay for dinner every time we go out to eat, even though I am an adult with a good job. They are our kids not matter what their age.
So I am working on asking questions instead of making assumptions. Occasionally the answers surprise me.
For example:
- "Did you get your math quiz back?" - I know she did and I know she didn't do well, but I want to know what she is doing about it. As it turns out she had already met with the teacher and was working on it.
- "Why haven't you turned in any of your History work?" - It turns out she wasn't suffering from an executive functioning issue but from being lazy, "Mom, I was just being lazy and reading in class. I will work on it every night until I get it done."
- "Did you talk to your friend?" - We were trying to figure out bringing her friend along on a family outing and I wanted her to make the arrangements instead of me.
- "What is due this week?" - She needs to learn how to plan ahead for getting work done and handed in on time.
- "What are you doing?" - I ask this one a lot just to annoy her. She spends a lot of time in front of her computer and actually has to take her headphones out of her ears to hear me and respond. Sometimes she actually enjoys sharing what she is doing though.
I will admit that I still spend time lecturing her. I can tell it is a lecture by the look on her face and the way her eyes roll back in her head. But I am trying to turn these into cooperative conversations so she learns how to find her own solutions. Instead of, "You should be….." I try to say, "What are you going to do about…"
It is going to be a long road, learning how to treat her with the same respect I show to other adults. After all, she is my child. I just hope that at the end of that learning we are still as close as we are today.
What changes have you made in how you talk to your child since they became a teen? Join Our Facebook Group and share.
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